A conversation with My SELF...

I was looking for my self.. yes, my lost self…

Niroma.. Niroma.. where are you? I can't find her...

No response.. I was worried.. had she left me? had she bid good-bye to me?

Niroma.. Niroma.. please.. I am sorry, I know I have neglected you.. I have been busy and I know I have not spent time with you enough.. but please.. don’t be mad.. come back.. come back….I have missed you…and I realized.. you are all I have..

Huum…promise? Promise you don’t treat me like a doormat? Promise you don’t treat me like the city’s bin? I am mad I dont feel like talking to you...

Ohhh.. you are there.. thank god.. you didn’t leave me.. thank god.. yes, yes, yes, I am sorry, I know.. I have not treated you well.. I am really sorry.. I had not given you time..

Yes, you have time for every one else but you don’t have time for me? And you say I am the most important person in your life? And you only have me..that is crap... well I tell you missy for a person who says things like that, you are really not delivering.. All this talk is not okay with me.. do you realize, people talk a lot theseday? you, and everyone else.. the leaders, the followers, and all else.... they talk.. make big promises.. I will give you this and that, and be there for you and love you and all that crap but really.. where is the action.. no goods are being delivered.. so you cheat each other.. with more and more promises, and these days no one feels guilty about broken promises.. because it’s the norm and its hip to do this.. Sorry? My foot, that word has no meaning anymore, it’s the same with I love you too.. do you realize that today words have no meaning? Food has no taste? Flowers don’t smell anymore? Values are not valued anymore? Fashion has no style anymore? Music has no rhythm anymore? Dancing its full of vulgarity? I guess I am mad.. yeah I think I am mad.. see I don’t even know if I am mad..

I am sorry, please.. let me try to make things work.. I don’t want you to go away.. because this is the truth.. you are the only person I have.. my mother told me this many many times but I didn’t really realize.. she said we are born alone and we die alone.. after 42 years I realize this.. other than god you are the only person I truly have.. I realize I had not paid attention to you or value yourself the way I should have.. I had always wanted others to be with me.. .. one after other I have been looking for someone.. if not Jane its Jill (you know its not Jane or Jill.. but you get my point) but Jane or Jill it’s the same.. the difference is they come in different sizes and colours… perhaps I have really looked for you in others? And had thought others could replace you? Perhaps I had not really realized the person I have been looking is you? I dont know.. do I make sense.. you are me, I am you then why am I talking to you.. does this mean I am talking to me.. well it does not matter.. you understand me right? I am sorry, will you come back to me? I promise I will not neglect you, I will also not let people walk all over you like a doormat. Lets be friends shall we? Lets give it another try.. Please…

Huum.. after all, you are also me.. and I am also you.. I am your inside and you are my outside.. I guess we have to learn to live together.. I cant live without you and you can live without me.. So.. I am open to trying it.. if you are willing.. it’s a commitment.. it’s as important or if not more - than the commitments you make with others, your employer, friends and family. I want you to realize you have a responsibility towards me. This is your primary responsibility but you seem to have forgotten that and you put every one and every thing before me. I want to stand up for myself.. I don’t want to be at the bottom of your list. I am the star in your life and I want to be treated like the star and not the doormat.

If I don’t fight for you tell me who would? If I don’t take care of yourself and myself tell me who would? When you are sick who is by your side? When you are hurting who is there for you? When you are alone who is there for you? I am you and I am also your best friend. Just the way you treat your best friends in life, you need to treat me with the same love, respect, warmth and dignity. I know you are a great friend to your friends.. for some you would give your life.. but would you for me? Would you be my best friend? Me the person who lives with you every minute, every second of your life? People have come and gone in your life.. but have I really left you? I may have given you the silent treatment (I learnt this from your mother!) but I have not left you.. if I have left you then to whom are you talking to now? I am here.. I have always been here.. I know your every move, every thought – you cant fool me. And don’t even try.. so yeah.. and yes, I want to us to try.. to be best of friends.. huum… by the way.. yes, I love you. You should give me a medal for I have lived with you for 42 years.. soon 43.. who ever lived with you for that long? And for how ever number of years I have left I will still live with you.. I don’t have a choice because this is god’s choice.. I have to say sometimes, I have considered leaving.. I have felt like looking outside for better opportunities.. it sickens me when you don’t treat me the way you treat others.. yeah, you are really nice to others.. always there for them.. giving your love and support.. time and energy and everything.. you are always phone call away, e-mail away.. well that’s great.. keep it up.. but don’t neglect me.. remember I am here too and I am you.

Yup.. it’s a long lecture.. you know me.. don’t talk much on regular basis.. but I thought I had to.. you need to get some things in your head.. I am serious.. I hope I don’t have to repeat this again..

I understand every word you have said.. and I am in agreement.. I know I have not been that good to you.. I am sorry and I mean it.. please forgive me.. I am going to remember this conversation and try to make things better.. we are approaching a new year.. 2009.. I want to be good to you.. thank you for your words…

Have you spoken to yourself lately? I have and I have just been TOLD! but I needed to hear that..

Are you there for yourself?

Well, it’s been while since I have written anything in my blog.. days are passing by so quickly – I feel I am like in a rat race. Running.. running and running.. where to? I don’t even know.. I feel exhausted at the end of the day.. so many obligations, so many responsibilities, duties and commitments, by the time I get everything done I am too tired to be there for myself. Hello.. Hello.. Niroma.. where are you? I feel she has left.. well I can't blame her..

Things are certainly not happening according to plan, disappointments and heartbreaks but yet life goes on. Sometimes, I feel like I dont want to see the dawn of another day.. but well.. here it comes.. Hum, I feel I am trapped in a gloomy spell that doesn’t seem to pass.. sunshine! Sunshine!! Where are you? I am missing you..

I had wanted to write more this year.. but I wasn’t able to accomplish it.... and then there is this book I had wanted to write – I have been thinking about it for years now.. Where does time go? Doing what?

I am in the business of getting other people on track.. It comes naturally because it’s also my daytime job! but now, I feel totally out of track. Who is going to care for the caregiver? Who will counsel the counselor?

Well, I guess, its time I do something about it – before I lose myself totally. I need to find myself and get in touch with my self. Afterall, who would I be without Niroma.. .when I come to think of it.. she is the most important person in my life next to god.. I will have to do what I do for others. Yes, be there for myself. I hope you are not in the same boat as I am… I will tell you it’s not a good place to be.. its empty and certainly not fun. Takes the zest of your life.. its like a day old, opened can of soda.. no fizz.. no jazz.. no nothing.. oh.. a double negative.. it is double negative..

okay.. got to go.. got to be there for myself.. that is all I've got...

Are you there for yourself? if not... you better be!